Why Ian Miller is My Favorite.

A few weeks ago, when the Phoenix heat was an unbearable 117 degrees, I plopped myself down on the couch and did something I rarely ever do: I turned on the TV. I guess if there's anytime to watch TV, it's when the temperature outside is hot enough to fry an egg on the hood of your car. I do pay $7.99/month for Netflix, so I guess I should get my money's worth, right? I sat in the dark, quasi-cool of my living room, blinds closed to conserve as much coolness as possible, scanning the Netflix offerings. I flipped past shows I've never heard of, skipped past way too much reality TV, and seriously considered Criminal Minds. I love a good crime drama and am always a fan of witty banter. Then I remembered the last time I watched Criminal Minds alone. Every creak and groan that filtered through the shared walls of my apartment set me on edge. I mean, maybe it was the sound of my dreams coming true and Shemar Moore was coming to sweep me off my feet; but more than likely, that bump in the night was a criminal mind coming to get me--a serial killer with a serious vendetta against petite Italian-American brunettes due to some adolescent pasta fiasco. I decided in that heat I needed a good laugh--not something that would keep me up at night. And so I continued viewing my options until I stumbled across My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Done. Decision made. OOOOPAAA!!!

The story of Toula is my own, in that we're both kind of awkward and totally hopeless with members of the opposite sex. My father's never told me I need to hurry up and get married, or that I'm beginning to look old, but I see weird lines when I look at myself in the mirror. Like (squeezes face)...is there even a fix for that? Can I botox that? What if I move fat from one part of my body and stuff it in there?--Will those lines go away? When I turned 30, a routine doctor's visit turned into her lecturing me on how it was time for me to consider freezing my eggs.

I'm sorry. Freeze my what? 

Oh, hi, cute boy. "My brain stopped."

Of course, for those who have seen the movie, Toula gets some gumption (a bit of kefi, if you will), goes to school, and gets what she needs to change things up. Now, instead of a seating hostess that doubles as "your own private Greek statue," she's at the family's very own Mt. Olympus Travel Agency. Change of pace, change of place, and she's a whole new woman.

Enter Ian Miller. 

My typical performance in front of attractive men. 

Riding the wave of her newly found confidence, Toula of course agrees to go to dinner with Ian Miller of what her father will later call "the dry toast family." In the past, when watching this movie, I remember the laughs. And as a family that subsists on movie quotes, this one has some potent quotables that have been embedded into our daily lexicon. I remember my mom explaining this was her experience marrying my dad, only it was a "big fat Italian wedding." What I caught in this round were the many perfectly scripted things Ian Miller said during this big, fat Greek courtship. I mean, no wonder Toula fell in love with him. 

In chronological order, here are three things Ian Miller said that make him pretty fab.

1.) "They look the same."

We first see Ian Miller at Toula's family's restaurant, Dancing Zorba's. He's there meeting his cranky but totally lovable teacher friend, Mike. (Played by real-life Toula's real-life husband.) Mike's shuffling through a stack of photos, trying to play Cupid for Ian. When he pitches a prospect, Ian says he's already been on a date with her. Mike is confused, and says no, that it was someone else. Ian shrugs and replies: "They look the same."

It is comforting to know that Ian Miller, fictional though he may be, is bored by the same old thing. Ian Miller is a guy that actually wants something different. He doesn't want a girl that looks like all the rest. 

2.) "I remember you. I don't remember frump girl, but I remember you."

On Ian and Toula's first date, he pitches the idea of eating at a Greek restaurant--because he knows a great little place--Dancing Zorba's. Toula chooses this moment to fess up, that her family owns the restaurant, and in that moment, Ian realizes they've met before. Toula quickly tries to explain she's been in a phase "up until now" (haven't we all, friends?) Ian's response is the perfectly affirming "I remember you." Not frump girl. Toula.  

3.) "Here's some news about my life to this point--it's boring. Then I met you and you're interesting and beautiful and you're fun."

Um. Smartest line in the entire movie. I wouldn't be able to stop grinning if a guy ever said that to me. Finding someone who thought I was interesting and beautiful and fun would probably have me proposing marriage. 

Run, Ian, run!!

His delivery came after Toula basically tried scaring him off with her big, fat crazy Greek family. She highlighted all their differences and concluded that happily ever after would be practically impossible. But it turns out something Toula considered her biggest liability was actually one of the things that attracted Ian. How often do we do that? Be honest. For most of my 20s, I hid my humor. People wanted serious and career-oriented, so that's what I gave them. And I was miserable. Thankfully, I've realized life is too short to waste time being someone that you're not. If someone doesn't like your personality, that's okay. Wouldn't you rather discover that up front instead of wasting months of each other's time? Be you. Don't hide. 

BONUS: 

So this line isn't from Ian, but from Toula's equally lovable and super protective brother, Nico. Ian agrees to be baptized so they can get married at her church. This, according to Toula's father, is "his lucky day." During the ceremony Toula, still not entirely sure Ian Miller is sticking around, mutters under her breath to Nico that he's going to run out the door at any minute, that she's "so not worth this." Nico smiles slightly and retorts: "Yes. You are." 

Because you're worth it.

Takeaways from Ian Miller's perfectly scripted lines? Basically, "Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken." (Oscar Wilde) 

In closing, I'm pretty upset I wasn't able to work Aunt Voula and her twin in here. Maybe next time.

Sorry, Aunt Voula.

And I'd be remiss to not add this: always remember the cure for anything is Windex.